Big people in small boxes

I'm all for mindless crap. I love it, share the shit out of it, would waltz with it on a Friday night if I could, but a line must be drawn. These quizzes we all engage so much in are just dumb. Like truly and utterly stupid. Yes yes I get it, you like to do them because they while away some time in the day and really who doesn't want to find out what kind of cookie they would be - salted caramel by the way, I don't need a quiz to tell me that. But really they are the most banal, pointless expressions of self that have ever existed, ever. Here's why:

They put big people in small boxes and they do so completely shamelessly.

Which is fine when you're finding out what animal/ poet/ planet/ country/ molecule/ colour/ piece of machinery you would be - just a bit of harmless fun, right? But then we get to the issue of identity. How single are you? For instance. Like finding out that you're just a little bit single will provide you with the relief you need to get back out there and give it your best shot. DON'T panic, you are in fact only 15% single. Or, oh shit, you're like 85% single but it's ok because you said you like pizzas on a Thursday after 7pm so you're clearly a strong independent woman. PHEW.

Earlier I took this quiz out of curiosity. I mean, I feel pretty taken with my boyfriend of almost two years, but you can never really be too sure exactly how single you really are. I almost stopped halfway through but had the thought, what if they are taking the piss out of themselves and at the end they say 'come on guys, how many times you masturbate/drink wine alone/go to bed before 12 has absolutely no bearing on anything other than your personal life choices.' But no. Instead it was revealed that I am, in fact, very very single. Sorry Nick!


You may wonder why this bothers me. Indeed why have I climbed atop my soap box once more? It's not because I really think anyone pays any attention or even that the creators over at Buzzfeed (who I really love by the way) are doing these mega mountainous never ending quizzes in seriousness. What annoys me is that this is journalism these days. This is what reaches the most people, gets the most shares. It will out-circulate issues of sexism and abuse and persecution - yes this is true escapism.

Photos by Brandon Douglas and Jose Ramiro

'Barefaced selfies' - why?

I am a little bit confused. So ok, the ‘barefaced selfie' nomination craze that quickly went viral last night is for a good cause, especially if people actually donate some money to cancer research. But, isn’t it just a little bit ridiculous? I mean, what exactly are we trying to say here? That wearing no make-up is so daring and out there and brave that it is reminiscent of the courage of cancer patients? Or perhaps we’re saying that by stripping down to our true selves we’re able to focus on what really matters such as inner beauty, or accepting our own pure physical finesse - free from the barriers constructed by abject social oppression and the media and Photoshop and gay fashion designers and the god damn Kardashians and school playgrounds.

I don’t get it.

It is not brave to take a picture of yourself on Instagram, run a filter over it and post it with the tag line ‘Man I was dreading being nominated, betches. But what goes around comes around LOL…I nominate XXX.’ Did you donate some money as you pondered the exact phraseology that would perfectly capture your horror at the world seeing what you actually look like? If so, my point is moot. However, I'm willing to bet many don’t because partaking in a trend that is so completely narcissistic often results in a mind blank on the reason you're doing it in the first place. No judgements here, ladies - I stood in front of my mirror this morning and snapped the shit out of my rather fabulous outfit. I feel no shame.

None-the-less, the positive product of such strange campaigns is the conversations they generate, which do the trick of raising awareness, although one would have to wonder who in the internet whoring world isn't aware of cancer. Regardless, bringing it to the forefront may spur a few to action and this is, of course, a good thing. But why can't these internet crazes be something more creative, like wacky outfit posts, grandest gesture videos, random acts of kindness. Instead we get all excited over barefaces and absurd alcohol concoctions, like we have to prove something yet none of us are ever exactly sure what that something is. I have no conclusion, it's an on-going bafflement. 

NB. Since writing this post I have noticed more ladies putting an image of their donation on Facebook alongside the selfie. This is brilliant and exactly the point I was making - if you're actually doing it for the cause then good on you, otherwise it's just another selfie. It will be interesting to see how much is raised from this and I will write a follow up as and when. However, I also donated but just missed out the 'bare selfie' part.

Acne is a bastard and so are you

Saying you have acne is a little like admitting you’re obese - a tad over weight, a touch spotty, pimply if you may, sounds ever so slightly more palatable, despite the fact that you, as a visual entity, exist, spots and flab and all, for the giddy masses to see.  The reason for this is the terms 'obese' and 'acne' have developed such negative societal connotations. They are associated with being ugly, unsightly, kinda gross. The bastards.

The thing about acne though, the thing that really chunks my chain, is you can’t fucking help it. It just happens to us unlucky sods whose faces are like neodymium magnets for whatever the hell it is that gives us spots but leaves the fresh faced, burger scoffing arsewipes alone. It’s not fair.

I am 26 years old and I have struggled with intermittent bouts of acne (phew, feels better now it’s out) since I was just a glimmer of a concept in my spotty prepubescent father’s testosterone fuelled man-brain. Thanks paps, much appreciated.

I have tried everything. Antibiotics – both local creams and pills – lotions, potions, bleach (the safe kind, I think), herbal supplements, more creams, special make up, special washes, oils. I even drank tiny vials of brown liquid that I’m pretty sure consisted of blood and coffee as a desperate Chinese remedy attempt to be free. It did not work.

Sometimes I’m fine. Like the times when the wind doesn’t blow too strong, nor the sun shine too hard. The times when I sleep to just the right amount of milliseconds and the bath water is the perfect temperature and the cars on my walk to work don’t exceed the speed limit…it goes on.

So now I am taking a whole new approach. I have decided I’ll try anything. I am a desperate woman with a bitter soul and a deep loathing for those smooth faced wankers. I am trying the whole healthy living thing. Bloody revelatory. I’m taking my makeup off with coconut oil, Oil pulling at night, eating all the vegetables (but not too much fruit cos sugar and shit) I can find, cutting the booze, upping the exercise, not eating ANY GLUTEN AT ALL, cleansing with an over priced Clarisonic, taking multivitamins, vitamin B, cod liver oil, evening primrose, a specially obnoxious kind of vitamin C and by jingo jango, I think it might be working. Just.

So to all those reading this who roll out of bed to a smooth face no matter the climate, dump donuts down your throat and sing hallelujah in a hot bath drinking whisky, smoking a cigarette and eating a mars bar. Legitimately and from the bottom of my cold, dark heart. Fuck you.